Harriette Cole: My fiance’s mother picked my wedding dress, and she didn’t stop there

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance’s parents offered to pay for our wedding, which he and I both graciously accepted as we are not in the kind of financial standing to afford a nice wedding right now.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but now I realize this was a mistake as my husband’s mom wants to have control over all the decisions.

When we went dress shopping, my soon-to-be mother-in-law wanted to have final say on the dress choice. What could I say? It was her money. When we went cake tasting, I really liked the vanilla cake with icing and fruit, but my soon-to-be mother-in-law said she liked the double chocolate cake better, so that’s what we went with. She has also started making decisions about the flowers, decorations, invitations and even our guest list without asking what my fiance and I want.

My fiance tells me I should just let her have some control since she is paying for everything, but I feel like this is still supposed to be our wedding. I am grateful his parents are willing to help us financially, but I don’t want to look back on our wedding day and feel like I had no say in any of the details.

How can I set some boundaries with my future mother-in-law without seeming ungrateful?

— Controlled

DEAR CONTROLLED: The two of you need to talk with your mother-in-law and express your sadness over how the wedding planning is playing out.

Thank her again for her generosity. Then tell her you feel like she is not giving you space to participate in your wedding planning.

Perhaps she is living out a dream she has about weddings. Who knows? You know, though, that you don’t feel like your thoughts or desires are being considered. Ask her to slow down and give you space to share your opinions and hopes for your big day.

If she refuses, consider scrapping the big wedding and either eloping or paring down to a simple ceremony and reception that you can afford.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in need of help with my business for some time now. While at a birthday party for a friend, I met a young woman who has the perfect temperament and presence for my business, and she is eager to find something new to do.

I don’t have a lot of money to offer, but it sounded like she is hungry for an opportunity. I want to follow up. My only worry is that I have a tiny budget.

Should I go for it and see what happens?

— Bright Light

DEAR BRIGHT LIGHT: Yes! Follow up with her and learn more about who she is and what she wants to do with her life.

Be honest about your needs. Assess whether she actually can fulfill the responsibilities you have in mind. Be transparent about your ability to compensate her.

Don’t take her away from her job. Instead, see if you can offer her part-time work. Be clear about whatever you can offer her so you manage her expectations. Try it out.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.