Asking Eric: I want someone to tell his wife that he’s obsessed with me

Dear Eric: My married ex-boyfriend from more than 15 years ago is still in love with me.

Through the grapevine, I have heard he still talks about me and even tries to bump into me in public. He is always asking about my whereabouts.

I feel very badly for his wife. If she knows about this, certainly it must strain her marriage. If she is in the dark, surely, I hope someone will enlighten her and perhaps she can get him to knock it off. I’m perturbed.

I haven’t thought of this person in 15 years and effortlessly moved on without a second thought.

How can others politely encourage him to get over the past and start fully living in the present?

– Accidental Long-term Love Spell

Dear Accidental: This sounds less like love and more like behavior that verges on stalking, if not fully tipping over into it. It’s concerning, and it needs to stop.

People who are in contact with him can tell him as much: “Your ex doesn’t want to be in contact with you, and the things you’re doing are inappropriate. You need to stop right now before this gets worse.”

There’s no need to be polite about this admonition. If he’s having trouble letting you go 15 years later, his recourse is not bumping into you in public. It’s talking to a therapist about acknowledging the end of the relationship and figuring out why he’s acting the way he’s acting.

None of this is your job to fix or address. However, if you’re concerned with or uncomfortable about what he’s doing, don’t hesitate to talk to the authorities about it. They may not be able to act on things you’ve heard through the grapevine, but they can give you guidance about how to keep yourself safe and what to do if he does try to make contact.

Dear Eric: My wife and I do our laundry separately. Almost every time I want to wash my clothes, I open the washer and see wet clothes. Sometimes my wife might be home at the time, sometimes she may be out.

The clothes might have been there for several days, in which case my wife would want to rewash them, or they might have been there only for several hours, in which case they should be headed for the dryer.

But some ladies’ clothes cannot go into the dryer — easy for women to separate, but less so for men to distinguish.

So, do I rewash the clothes, or do I try to separate the delicates and put the rest in the dryer, or do I just quickly do my laundry and put the wet clothes back in the washer where she will be none the wiser?

– Doing My Laundry is Enough

Dear Laundry: The easiest course of action might be to ask your wife what she’d like you to do in this situation.

This can open up a conversation about your shared laundry chores and how you can both better share the laundry room. She may not realize that she’s leaving laundry and impeding you. Or she may appreciate a gentle nudge. This could be an issue of forgetfulness, and she might appreciate your help.

One long-term solution might be letting her know in advance that you plan to do your laundry on a certain day or time. You could do that through conversation or on a shared calendar. This reminder might better set her up to finish the task she’s started.

Dear Eric: Recently I had open heart surgery which, although successful, necessitated several trips by ambulance back to the hospital from my apartment in a condominium building.

There are only 46 units in the building, and it seems that every owner knows all the details of my operation and related illnesses. I know this as I am questioned as to my health by each person I encounter.

What is your suggestion as to a response after dozens of well-meaning inquiries every day?

– Impatient Patient

Dear Patient: I’m sorry about your medical trials but I’m glad the surgery was successful.

Even well-meaning inquiries can get annoying, especially if you don’t want to be reminded of the stress and trauma or don’t want to get into your medical history with everyone in your building.

It’s fine to say, “Thanks for your concern; I’m doing much better. If it’s all the same to you, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

These inquiries aren’t going to last forever – with 46 units, eventually everyone who is concerned will have asked – but it may take a little while for word to get out. So, you may have to endure a few more questions. But you’re under no obligation to answer. A polite thanks for their thoughts and a redirect will suffice.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.