DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months back, my boyfriend was laid off. He’s done his part to manage financially, but emotionally he’s been rather down, and it’s put a lot of pressure on our relationship and me.
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With less to do, he wants more of my attention and to spend more time together. Unfortunately, my schedule and responsibilities haven’t changed. I try to encourage him to put his energy into looking for new opportunities.
He recently proposed that we move in together. I disagreed, reminding him that his employment status, and hence stability, is unpredictable. I don’t think it’d be smart for either of us for our expenses to grow.
A week or so passed, and he came to me with a new idea: He should move in with me. I currently live at home with my parents!
I turned him down immediately, and he accused me of trying to leave him in his darkest hour. Honestly, at this point, he might be right. It feels like he’s spiraling, and I don’t know how to help.
Is there anything I can do to get my boyfriend and our relationship back on track?
— Hard Times
DEAR HARD TIMES: Losing a job can be unsettling in so many ways. It can create desperation and draw out some of the worst qualities in people. It can also be a time for couples to come together and get stronger and to figure out a way forward as a team.
You need to decide what you want in this relationship. Is your boyfriend your “through thick and thin, better or worse” kind of partner? If he is, then your role should be to rally with him and do everything you can to get him back on track. That does not mean you have to move in together. But it does mean you should do all in your power to help him regain confidence and stability.
If you are not ready or interested in doing that, own up to your feelings and let him know. He may feel abandoned, but it’s better for him to know where you stand so he can be clear about his support system.
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DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I am extremely active on my campus. I serve on multiple college boards and hold several positions.
Lately, my friends have been turning to me with any and all issues related to school. I don’t mind helping, but when I’m with my friends, I don’t necessarily want to think about work.
I am constantly getting texted questions about policy, or people wanting inside information. I have to tell my friends they can’t know certain things due to confidentiality, or that I don’t even know why certain things happen.
Is there a way for me to politely tell my friends to stop treating me like a handbook and more like a friend? I don’t want to ruffle any feathers.
— Busy Student
DEAR BUSY STUDENT: Yes, create boundaries. Tell your friends that when you are hanging out, you are off work. You can laughingly tell them that office hours are closed.
If they persist, push back, reminding them that you cannot disclose some things about school policy and, more, you want to be able to let your hair down. That means you don’t want to have to think about any of that stuff after hours.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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