Harriette Cole: Am I expecting too much from my not-boyfriend?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been going out with a guy for a few months. We aren’t anything official yet, but my birthday is coming up, and he asked me what I want for my birthday. I said I wanted a surprise.

When I said “surprise,” I was thinking that he would take me to a cute restaurant or ask me what I’ve been wanting to do around New York City, which is where we live.

A few days later when we were together, he told me that I’m not his girlfriend and that my expectations are too high when asking for a surprise.

I didn’t give him context on what I imagined a “surprise” to be — he may have been thinking I was expecting something super expensive from him — but he was the one who offered to do something in the first place.

His response left me really upset because he offered to do something for me out of his own free will, but then he turned it around on me and said that since we aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I’m asking for too much. It’s a confusing situation, and it made me feel silly because he just asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

Am I expecting too much, or is his reaction a sign that we’re simply not on the same page about where this relationship is headed? How do I know if this is just a misunderstanding or a red flag that I shouldn’t ignore?

— Bewildered

DEAR BEWILDERED: The notion of a surprise clearly triggered something for this man. Talk to him. Ask him what it made him think about.

Tell him what you thought it might mean: a nice dinner or some other fun activity in the city. Point out how shocked you are at his reaction. Remind him that he asked you for an idea and now he is pushing back.

This doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker — though maybe it is, depending on where each of you sees the relationship going. Try to find out what is behind his alarm.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a strong desire to move abroad and experience life in another country. It’s something I’ve dreamed about for years, and I feel ready for a change.

The problem is, I’m struggling to figure out how to make it happen in a practical way. Everywhere I look, it seems like countries are tightening restrictions, and many aren’t willing to offer work visas or sponsor foreigners. I don’t have a job lined up overseas, and I’m not sure where to even begin.

It’s starting to feel like my dream might not be realistic, which is discouraging. At the same time, I don’t want to give up on something that feels so important to me. How can I take meaningful first steps toward living abroad despite these challenges?

— Life Abroad

DEAR LIFE ABROAD: Look into American programs abroad that allow you to live and work in another country but be paid through the American government or a private company. In this way, you can at least get your foot in the door and be able to be paid while you are abroad.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.