Miss Manners: I don’t understand the wedding dress code for women

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a wedding invitation for a wedding from my husband’s nephew and bride-to-be. The attire for the occasion is described as: “Black tie optional. Elegant, coastal chic. We ask that men wear jackets.”

It is clear what my husband should wear, but do you have a suggestion for me to fulfill “elegant, coastal chic”? The wedding venue is a private club on the New England coastline.

And may I vent about my pet peeve, if I promise to be the model of elegance and politeness at the wedding and reception? Our names on the outside envelope were written as “Paul and Paulette Last Name” instead of “Mr. and Mrs. Paul Last Name” — or better yet, “Dr. and Mrs. Paul Last Name.” (He and several other family members are doctors.)

The father of the groom’s name was written on his invitation as “Bill Last Name” rather than the more formal and elegant “William.”

The nephew’s parents are divorced and both are remarried. Perhaps this is the reason that formality on the envelopes did not quite meet the elegance mark.

GENTLE READER: Aw, we were so close. Miss Manners was so ready to have a good gossip about all the things these wedding hosts did wrong — and then you went and blamed it on divorce.

The state of one’s marriage does not preclude elegance or formality, in the addressing of envelopes or otherwise. If anything, those who have divorced and remarried have had more chances to practice.

Nevertheless, you are correct that these particular hosts bungled it.

The dress code, as you surmised, is made up, so “elegant, coastal chic” is whatever you want it to be. But if you need guidance, watch any of the myriad television shows and movies that the couple is no doubt trying to emulate. Long, flowy dresses on chic, badly behaved women seems to be the brief.

But then again, you promised not to be one of those.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I were hosting dinner for an old friend at a restaurant. On arrival we saw another friend, who also knew our guest.

Those two talked for about 10 minutes while my wife and I were settled at the table. We had no qualms about that, since they had not seen each other in a long time.

At the end of the meal, we found that the friend we had happened on had discreetly paid our check before he left. We’d had no idea.

The next day I wrote him a sincere thank-you note from myself, my wife and our friend.

The question is whether our friend should also send a note, even though I wrote on behalf of all of us. It seems likely that his being there was the primary reason it happened.

GENTLE READER: Are you, as it were, asking for a friend?

As you were already taking this friend out for dinner, you were the host and the one who primarily benefited from the transaction. Miss Manners agrees that it would be gracious of your friend to thank the mutual friend, but whether or not he does is not your concern. That you did it for him was even more hostly.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.