Miss Manners: If I have no beige clothes, would I have to skip the funeral?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my apartment complex, a resident hung up a flyer with information about a funeral. This is customary here. But the last paragraph stated, “The family requests that all guests wear beige in order to honor Clara.”

I have never heard of this before. My thought was that if I didn’t own the color requested, I wouldn’t attend because I wouldn’t want to appear disrespectful to the family. I would send a card instead.

I don’t know the family, so I won’t be attending the funeral anyway. It just got me thinking as to whether or not such a request was appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Clara loved beige? Why does Miss Manners find that sad?

But then, funerals are sad. Or they used to be before people started making efforts to turn them cheerful, on the grounds that “Clara” (or whoever) “wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad.” (Really? Miss Manners can’t think of anyone who would not want their relatives and friends to be sorry that they died.)

But the issue here is dress codes: who should issue them, what requests are helpful and which might impose difficulties.

When etiquette declared that black should be worn to funerals, it was dismissed as dictatorial and depressing. And there were those who complained that they didn’t own any black clothes — presumably not the same people who ignore a similar custom of not wearing black to weddings (men’s suits excepted).

Weddings, too, have inspired more complicated dress codes. As they are held with varying degrees of formality, guests do need to know whether or not black tie is expected, for example.

But now fanciful themes are dictated — Chic Western, for example, or Dressy Beach — as if for a costume party. The couple are thinking in terms of the video for social media, in which their guests are supernumeraries who must be in costume. Those who do not want to comply may skip the wedding — or if they know the hosts well enough, they can ask if they would be permitted to attend in non-themed (but still respectful) clothing.

For funerals, however, the consequences would be more serious. You did not know Clara, but suppose you did: You would want to pay your respects by attending her funeral, but would be discouraged by the thought of disrespectfully wearing something other than instructed.

Adhering to the dress code, in this case, would rob you of the opportunity to honor your late friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does Miss Manners have to say about all of the rampant politically motivated violence going on in our country today? Besides pointing out an obvious lack of manners, naturally.

GENTLE READER: It is also a betrayal of the basic premise of democracy: that people will naturally differ, but that they agree to approach their conflicts with goodwill and find workable compromises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It’s ridiculous to believe that the rules about how much jewelry to wear, and whether for day or evening, still apply. If you have it, why not flaunt it?

GENTLE READER: Sure, wear a diamond tiara with cutoff jeans. Miss Manners is too preoccupied with trying to restore civilized society to notice.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.