Miss Manners: Am I allowed to correct rude teens in front of their parents?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From time to time, I find myself on the receiving end of rude behavior from the adolescent children of friends or relatives, although the behavior isn’t always directed solely at me. For instance, a loud “ew” when I sneeze, despite my saying “excuse me,” or a joke that crosses the line.

In many cases, the parents are present but say nothing. Am I wrong to feel tempted to gently say, “That’s not very polite”? Or should I hold back out of deference to the parents, even when they don’t intervene?

GENTLE READER: You may feel as tempted as you like. But no, when their parents are present, you cannot properly correct the ill manners of adolescent children any more than you can anyone else’s bad behavior.

There is, of course, the exception when the parents leave you in charge. But this usually involves a parent standing at the front door saying, “OK, kids. We’re off to the races now. So you have to do whatever Auntie says.”

Mom being in the bathroom does not count, unless you talk quickly and are reasonably confident your sister will support you when she returns to the table and your niece loudly demands, “Mom, Auntie said I can’t say her sneezes sound like explosions. Do I have to listen to her?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was visiting several of my siblings, and we went to a Chinese restaurant together.

At the last minute, my husband backed out of dinner, as he had a terrible headache and wanted to lie down. He asked me to pay for the meal for everyone.

The dinner was served family-style, rather than individual dishes. When the check came, I paid it, and also told my siblings that I would be taking the leftovers with me for my husband to have for dinner.

When the waiter came to the table with to-go boxes, my siblings grabbed them and started filling them for themselves. I said nothing, but planned in my head to stop for a hamburger for my husband on the way home.

Was I rude to announce that I wished to take the leftovers home for my husband? Were my siblings rude to ignore my plan and take them for themselves? If we had each ordered individual meals, I would assume each person would take their own leftovers, but as a family-style meal, I assumed that the person who pays decides what to do with them.

GENTLE READER: Given people’s inexplicably territorial feelings about leftovers, your announcement was bound to be ill-received. But the rule you describe does not exist — nor is likely to, since it is inconsistent with what Miss Manners would call Basic Etiquette Principles.

That the orders were to be shared has to do with service, while who gets the bill relates to the unrelated duties of a host.

If there was an etiquette violation, it was your well-intended assumption of the host’s prerogative when you took the bill. The proper form would have been to ask for agreement on the leftovers — or order one item directly to-go, which would have ensured your husband did not go hungry, even if your siblings still were.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.