Harriette Cole: My daughter needed to go to the ER, but her roommate was too tired

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is going through a lot of drama with her post-grad roommate, and I don’t know how to help her.

My daughter has gone above and beyond to help her roommate adjust to living in Los Angeles. She introduced the roommate to many of her friends and has helped her feel more confident. Recently, the roommate got sick, and my daughter bought her medicine and stayed by her side all throughout her illness.

My daughter had an allergy attack that caused her face to swell and become red in the middle of the night. She woke her roommate to drive her to the emergency room, and the roommate didn’t want to because she was sleeping.

My daughter understands that her roommate was tired and that it was the middle of the night, but she also felt like this was an emergency and she should have been able to count on the person she lives with to help her in a situation like that. Thankfully, my daughter was eventually able to figure out another way to get the help she needed.

Since then, there have been other little situations that have made my daughter question whether their friendship is as mutual as she thought.

How can I help my daughter set boundaries with her roommate to avoid feeling this imbalance of effort in the relationship?

— Selfish Roommate

DEAR SELFISH ROOMMATE: Your daughter must accept that her roommate is selfish. She wasn’t there for her at a critical time when your daughter needed it, and that’s a deal-breaker, which means your daughter can stop going out of her way for her.

It is time for your daughter to live her own life. She doesn’t need to include the roommate in social activities or be there for her as her emergency contact. She also doesn’t need to say anything. She can just be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a mom of four adult children ranging in age from 21 to 43, I feel compelled to give some additional advice to the “Teenage Blues” mom, whose daughter was isolating herself.

Instead of expressing her worry, this mom needs to bag up her emotions and set them aside. Mom’s obvious worry and push for more social interaction will only add to daughter’s emotional burden.

There are myriad issues the daughter could be struggling with: social anxiety, body dysmorphia, depression, bullying — and the list goes on.

Mom needs to be a strong and confident female figure, no matter how difficult it may be. She should absolutely get the daughter to a good therapist; do not hesitate, no matter the cost.

— A Mom Who’s Been There

DEAR MOM WHO’S BEEN THERE: Thank you for your insight. I agree that showing herself to be a strong woman is important. I also think that telling her daughter about her life, including ups and downs, can be helpful.

A friend who has two young adult daughters was just telling me how unhelpful it turned out to be that she had shown how stalwart she could be no matter what without describing how she had weathered different storms. The journey is equally important so that your children can see how you handled the valleys and somehow came out triumphant.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.