Harriette Cole: My friend’s grand birthday plan shoves me in the corner

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am upset. My best friend planned her birthday trip during my birthday.

She has been talking about how she’s been wanting to do something grand for her 21st birthday, like going to Europe or South America, for years. Her birthday is in March, yet she’s already planning, booking and telling everyone how much to budget.

She revealed we are going to celebrate her birthday in Brazil during the week of my birthday, in July.

To say the least, I am annoyed. I don’t know why she thinks it’s appropriate to celebrate her birthday months after the fact during my birthday week. She could’ve at least asked if we could make it a combined celebration.

How can I address this without causing a scene?

— Annoyed Friend

DEAR ANNOYED FRIEND: Tell your friend that the least she can do now that she has co-opted your birthday to celebrate hers is to either make the trip a joint birthday extravaganza or at least dedicate one day/evening to your birthday. Otherwise, it’s just way too selfish in your mind for this decision of hers to even be a consideration for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom keeps inviting my ex-husband to our family gatherings, even though I told her not to.

She insists he is still a part of our family, especially since he and I have three children together.

My ex-husband and I honestly aren’t on great terms since our marriage ended due to him cheating on me, so I prefer not to see him at family gatherings.

Every time I ask my mom not to invite him, she tells me I need to learn how to move on and put my feelings aside for the sake of the family. She says that excluding him makes things harder for my children and could make family gatherings uncomfortable for everyone else.

I feel like she is making me responsible for keeping everyone comfortable while completely ignoring the fact that I am uncomfortable.

I have considered simply not attending family gatherings anymore, but I don’t want to miss out on time with my family because of someone who hurt me.

I’ve also asked him to stop attending, but he keeps showing up since he doesn’t have much of a family of his own. How can I set a boundary with both my mom and my ex-husband?

— Betrayed

DEAR BETRAYED: Tell your mother that you feel she is disrespecting you by not understanding at all what your ex did to you.

Ask her to, at least for now, stop inviting him to the gatherings. Say it won’t be forever, but you need time to heal. Say the same to your ex. Remind him of his indiscretions and ask him to give you the respect to stay away for a while.

If they refuse, maybe you should sit out a major event. Do something to pamper yourself as you also send a message that you are serious about needing your mother and ex to respect you.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.