Asking Eric: I hold no ill will, I just need to know if there’s a celebration of life

Dear Eric: This question may be way off base, but is there a way to find out if a Celebration of Life is going to be held?

A very dear friend passed away last fall and was laid to rest. Sadly, nobody contacted me as to when the burial was because I had to move from our home.

I’m trying to move on, but closure may be affecting me.

I have no ill will against anyone. I just want to know if there is a gathering coming up. I’m probably grasping at straws here. Thank you for listening.

– Sad and Missing Him

Dear Missing Him: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. Funerals and Celebrations of Life can help us to start to find closure when we’re in grief. Without them, the grief can be harder to navigate. This isn’t to say it will always be there, or that you don’t have any options, however.

First, reach out to your friends to find out if there is a gathering planned or, if there was already a gathering, if there’s a program or a video or a remembrance website you can visit to share your feelings and memories of the deceased. It’s not inappropriate to ask, especially since you’ve moved away. People will understand that you’re trying to process your grief and honor your friend.

If there isn’t something planned, consider planning something yourself. It doesn’t have to be large. It could be as simple as having friends over to your place, or meeting in a park or coffee shop, and sharing stories about your friend. Community and commemoration are the most important aspects here. It doesn’t have to be formal; it just has to be an opportunity for you and your friends to feel less alone as you process your grief.

Dear Eric: I have a friend who is generally wonderful and well-meaning but can be an exasperating conversationalist.

She is rather full of herself – her activities, her opinions, her experiences, her history – and loves to talk endlessly about all things “her.”

She is intense, goes on and on, adds unnecessary details, and hardly takes a breath. She is either terrible at reading the room or simply doesn’t care.

In addition, but related, she is interested in other people’s lives or activities only so that she can give her opinion on the same, so it again becomes about her.

What are some things I can do to stop this behavior without making her hurt or mad?

– Conversation Conundrum

Dear Conversation: You might start from a place of assuming she doesn’t realize what she’s doing.

It could be an issue with attention or an eagerness to entertain that’s going sideways. In that case, you could point it out gently when it happens. “We’ve been talking about [x] for a bit. I’d like to share something. Can we switch gears?” Gauge her response to redirects like this. She may be happy to talk about something else with you.

Or she might be resistant to it. If that’s the case, you might need to be more direct. It will be more effective to talk about her habits in the context of your friendship rather than casting a wide net over her behavior with everyone.

Have a conversation about how the two of you talk and what aspects of it you want to be different. Go in with suggestions that are proactive, like, “It would mean a lot if you could ask me about [x] more. Do you think you could do that?”

Part of this may simply be how she’s built. But if it’s rubbing you the wrong way, it’s good to say something so that you can maintain the friendship without hard feelings. She may not totally change her ways in every conversation, but that’s not your job to fix. What you can work on is the way that you two communicate so that you both feel heard.

Dear Eric: Just wanted to share a resource with you for grief support for survivors of suicide in reference to the letter from “Confused and Grieving Daughter,” who lost her mother to suicide. Heartbeat is an organization that offers group support, as well as other resources.

If a person seeking help isn’t ready to attend the meetings, the resource tab offers literature that I found comforting during the grief process of my brother’s suicide. Best wishes and thank you for all you do.

– Walking Life’s Journey

Dear Journey: I’m sorry for the loss of your brother and I appreciate this resource. Heartbeat is one of a number of very helpful organizations to which people can turn when grieving a loved one. Other survivors of suicide will surely benefit from knowing they’re not alone and can find comfort and healing.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.