Asking Eric: When people say ‘never mind’ about something I missed, I want to scream

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter from “Unrepeatables,” who would sometimes make flippant remarks to two sisters who are hard of hearing, but would reply “never mind” when asked to repeat.

I really need you, and other people, to understand how infuriating the phrase “never mind” is.

While you’re right that Unrepeatables needs to learn to hold their tongue, as someone who is hard of hearing, I have to tell you how frustrating it is to have someone mutter things under their breath – or even say them out loud – and then say “never mind” when asked to repeat.

It isn’t just about negative comments, either. “Never mind” is a trigger for many of us. It makes me want to scream.

People often joke about how captioning for the deaf/HOH includes things like “dog barking in the distance,” “ominous music” or (my favorite from zombie movies) “squelching noises.” Those little things may or may not be important to the story. Whether they are or aren’t is irrelevant. Having access to them is.

If Unrepeatables feels the need to comment about something and isn’t heard, the listener needs to have the option of deciding if it’s important or not. Repeat it.

– Worth Repeating

Dear Repeating: Thanks for this perspective. I received a few letters from others in the HOH community that expressed a similar sentiment. You’re right – “never mind” isn’t the answer.

If it’s worth saying, it’s worth repeating. And if it’s not worth saying, it’s probably best left unsaid to begin with.

Dear Eric: I have a lot of family who live across the country and also across the world. We are all very close and have wonderful relationships and throughout the years we have all routinely stayed with each other when we visit.

My husband and I live in a small house with one guest bedroom/bathroom. Although throughout the years we have happily welcomed people to stay with us, it is simply becoming too much. It’s just exhausting and stressful to try to entertain and feed guests for a week or more, and also, as two seniors on fixed incomes, we struggle to afford the meals out and activities.

After a couple of days, I am praying for them to leave and becoming extremely resentful of their presence in my home. I don’t like feeling this way about people that I love and care for.

Complicating this is the fact that certain of our relatives would not be able to afford a hotel when they visit. How can I address this issue?

– About to Lock the Door

Dear Lock: As life goes on and we change, it’s natural for our capacities and our wants to change as well. Those that love us don’t always notice the changes, however, so it’s helpful to be communicative about them.

To that end, tell your family members directly but kindly that although you love hosting them, it’s become harder than it used to be for various reasons and so you need to make a change.

Then you can suggest what that change looks like in your mind. You may want to limit the amount of time that people come, or you may choose to be upfront about the costs you incur and ask if folks can help foot the bill. Or you could decide that you’re out of the hosting business altogether.

None of this is unreasonable and, indeed, your friends and family may be glad to know that they’re not burdening you and eager to find other ways to connect with you.

Dear Eric: When attending a celebration and the invitation states “No gifts, please, but feel free to donate to the organization which greatly impacted the health and life of the honoree,” do you include any mention of your donation in a card you might bring with your best wishes?

– Happy Celebrant

Dear Celebrant: Yes, for two reasons (at least). First, while many charitable organizations have systems set up to notify someone when a donation is made in their name, this isn’t always the case. So, by including a note about where you donated, you can close the gap and make sure that the honoree(s) know what’s been done.

Secondly, a note about your donation also gives you the chance to write a line or two about what the organization’s mission and its connection to the honoree’s life means to you personally. In the case of an invite that lists specific organizations, it might be obvious, but it’s still a lovely touch.

If the invite simply asks for donations in lieu of gifts, freeing you to choose any organization, this kind of note allows you to connect your feelings for the honoree with your hopes for the kind of good that the donation can do in the world.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.