Harriette Cole: My boyfriend’s mother said something troubling about him

DEAR HARRIETTE: I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend’s family home, and I’ve always felt comfortable there. I’ve known him and his siblings for years, so being around his family feels natural.

Recently, while we were all spending time together, my boyfriend stepped away for a bit, and his mom pulled me aside in the kitchen. She told me how much she loves her son — but then added that he is lazy and that it will be his downfall. It felt less like casual conversation and more like a warning.

I didn’t quite know how to respond, but her words stuck with me. I have noticed that he lacks urgency when it comes to his career, though I assumed he just needed time to figure things out. Now I’m questioning whether I’ve been overlooking something important.

Am I ignoring signs that he may not be as motivated or mature as I need in a partner? How seriously should I take his mother’s comment?

— A Mother’s Word

DEAR A MOTHER’S WORD: Trust that your boyfriend’s mother knows her son. Use the insight she gave you as an incentive to begin a serious conversation about the future.

What do the two of you want for your lives? When you envision a year from now, what do you see? Five years from now? Ten? Talk about career, marriage, children, home ownership, investing — everything.

If your boyfriend balks, explain this is important to you because you are designing your life. You want to know what his intentions are. This way the two of you can discover if you are truly a match.

If he refuses to engage in that conversation, that tells you a lot, starting with the fact that he is not ready to be serious. You will have to decide what that means for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As a marital and family lawyer, I feel compelled to address your response to the person whose mother discovered that she is not legally married though she had believed for decades that she was.

The mother should consult a family law attorney immediately. There are many valuable legal and financial benefits that depend on marriage. For example, if a married woman’s husband dies, or they get divorced after 10 years of marriage, she is entitled to draw Social Security benefits based on his earnings, which are generally much higher than hers.

Also, if they divorce at any point, her entitlement to alimony and division of property depends in large part on being legally married.

Furthermore, if a woman’s legal husband dies, in most states she is entitled to a marital share of his assets, regardless of his will. Not being legally married negatively affects all these issues and more!

Please advise her to contact a reputable family law attorney ASAP to figure how to address this serious oversight and determine how it affects her legal and financial situation.

This is not a time to just hope for the best. Trust me on this.

— Call a Lawyer

DEAR CALL A LAWYER: Several readers wrote about this disturbing situation. Deception is always hard to stomach, but when it can impact your future in such a devastating and dramatic way, it is important to see if you have any legal recourse.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.