{"id":8833,"date":"2026-09-10T09:37:34","date_gmt":"2026-09-10T09:37:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8833"},"modified":"2026-09-10T09:37:34","modified_gmt":"2026-09-10T09:37:34","slug":"asking-eric-ive-been-treated-shabbily-and-then-gaslighted","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8833","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: I’ve been treated shabbily and then gaslighted"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric<\/strong>: Over the years people have said things to me such as, \u201cI can\u2019t go to lunch with you today after all. I\u2019m going to go to lunch with John instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: Our date went great. Then I found out where he lives.<\/a><\/p>\n

Or at the last minute, \u201cI can\u2019t go to see the play with you this evening. My boyfriend says we\u2019re going someplace else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes people fail altogether to show up for plans made in advance, without a word of apology or explanation ever. When I next see them, they behave as though nothing had ever happened. If I gently inquire what had happened to our plans, they start in with the defensive, manipulative psychobabble and gaslighting.<\/p>\n

I have heard excuses made for people who can\u2019t be counted on. I have been called petty and rigid. I have been told I take these things too personally.<\/p>\n

After being treated shabbily at the hands of others, I say and do nothing further and remain civil and decent to them but from a low-contact distance, and I no longer reach out to them with friendly gestures unless they can prove that it is a genuine, mutual, responsible and courteous friendship.<\/p>\n

What are your thoughts on the matter? Any suggestions concerning what I could or should be saying and doing, or not saying and not doing, concerning people who behave like this?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Stood Up<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Stood Up<\/strong>: If this is happening enough times to become a pattern in your life, you might look for ways of breaking or avoiding said pattern. Though you can\u2019t change the behavior of others, I wonder if there are commonalities in some of the people with whom you\u2019ve had conflict about showing up in the past. Might you pour more of your energy into friendships with people who see you for who you are and can respect your desire to be more attentive to keeping plans?<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

It may also help, in the future, to tell prospective new friends that you sometimes have issues with people canceling at the last minute or for no reason and that it\u2019s something about which you\u2019re sensitive. This gives new friends helpful information that can guide their actions. Ideally, a new connection, knowing this, would choose to communicate with you differently should they need to reschedule.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> I am one of four adult siblings. \u201cKelly\u201d is the only sibling who does not live locally. In April, another sibling, \u201cBetty,\u201d sent a text to the group saying that Kelly and her family would be coming for a visit and that everyone was invited to Betty\u2019s lake house.<\/p>\n

I knew immediately that the proposed date would not work for my family because we had prior commitments. However, since no one asked whether the date worked for my family \u2013 or for our fourth sibling \u2013 I didn\u2019t say anything at the time.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: The hosts\u2019 antagonism made for an uncomfortable party<\/a><\/p>\n

As the date got closer, more specific plans were discussed on the group text. At that point, I let them know that the date didn\u2019t work for my family, while also saying that we appreciated the invitation.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

After the gathering at the lake house, I texted, \u201cHope you had a fun weekend. Sorry our schedules didn\u2019t align and have a safe trip home.\u201d Betty responded that because the plans had been made in April, there had been plenty of time for us to make it work.<\/p>\n

I understand that they chose a date that worked for them, and I accept that my family was not able to attend. What frustrates me is the implication that we should have rearranged (unchangeable) plans that were made months in advance of the announcement in April.<\/p>\n

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that I should have a say in choosing a date when the intention is for all of us to get together? If I want to make plans with someone, I ask about their availability, and we find a date that works for everyone involved. I don\u2019t choose a date unilaterally and then put the responsibility on the other person to rearrange their existing commitments.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Didn\u2019t Get a Vote<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Vote:<\/strong> You\u2019re not wrong here. Group planning 101 involves at least attempting to achieve consensus around availability before setting plans in stone.<\/p>\n

It makes sense that Betty would defer a bit to Kelly\u2019s schedule, since she was traveling from out of town. But if the desire was to bring everyone together, it would have made sense to poll the group.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s interesting that this pushback is coming from Betty and not Kelly, since Kelly was the person who didn\u2019t get to see everyone. Betty might have an opinion about what you should have done with your schedule, but you don\u2019t need to give it any more time or attention. Your efforts might be better spent finding a time and place to connect with Kelly.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: The problem child has come home and is stirring up trouble<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Really? I’m being petty if I ask why I was ditched like that?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8833","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: I’ve been treated shabbily and then gaslighted - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8833\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: I’ve been treated shabbily and then gaslighted - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Really? 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