{"id":8676,"date":"2026-09-08T08:35:29","date_gmt":"2026-09-08T08:35:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8676"},"modified":"2026-09-08T08:35:29","modified_gmt":"2026-09-08T08:35:29","slug":"miss-manners-the-bride-is-classless-and-the-wedding-isnt-her-first-must-i-give-a-gift","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8676","title":{"rendered":"Miss Manners: The bride is classless, and the wedding isn’t her first. Must I give a gift?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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DEAR MISS MANNERS<\/strong>: Is there a protocol requiring sending wedding gifts no matter whether it\u2019s the person\u2019s first, second, third, etc., wedding?<\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: I\u2019m trying to ghost her but she won\u2019t accept it<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve heard no mention of whether this was a large church wedding. The bride and her mother are classless.<\/p>\n

In the past, I\u2019ve given them gifts costing $500. I think that\u2019s more than enough for any bride or groom.<\/p>\n

GENTLE READER<\/strong>: The simple answer would be that presents used to be associated only with first weddings, with the presumption that the couple was starting a first home, whereas previously married people already had stuff.<\/p>\n

You may have noticed that conditions have changed. We now presume that first marriages come from established households, and that everybody welcomes more stuff.<\/p>\n

But you have given Miss Manners information about the context of your question: You don\u2019t like these people. You have not been invited to the wedding, because then you would know whether it was being held in a church. That makes two reasons not to give a present if you don\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n

And yes, tradition would be a third.<\/p>\n

DEAR MISS MANNERS<\/strong>: I am very fortunate to have found a number of good companions through my active participation in local clubs. However, most of my new friends are a generation or more older than I.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

They are wonderful people, and I am grateful for their kind interest in me. Yet I find it uncomfortable when I am asked about my family.<\/p>\n

I realize that some may be asking the question simply as a way of making conversation; others are sincerely interested.<\/p>\n

Read more How hot is SF Giants\u2019 Devers? How he\u2019s sharing company with Bonds, Mays<\/a><\/p>\n

At times, I\u2019ve immediately inquired about the questioner\u2019s family, but after answering, the individual will invariably return the subject to me. When I\u2019ve tried simply stating my area of origin and quickly detailing its attributes, I am asked, \u201cOh, so your family\u2019s there?\u201d<\/p>\n

When repeated (and, I hope, polite) evasions have failed, I have sometimes replied that I have no family. This has usually been met with unwanted sympathy, and on two occasions, it seemed to result in a wary disbelief on the part of my new friends. The latter is not unwarranted, for I must have betrayed through my expression that the statement is not strictly true.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

My counselor suggested that I should respond by saying, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but I was abused, and this subject is painful for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I could never say that. Such a response is contrary to my intent of deflecting attention away from the subject. Would it not also be rude, in that it conveys extremely personal details which would be inappropriate for such an innocently asked question?<\/p>\n

Could Miss Manners kindly provide an alternative response that would be both honest and within the bounds of polite conversation?<\/p>\n

GENTLE READER:<\/strong> \u201cIt\u2019s a long story, and I really don\u2019t want to go into it. But I\u2019d love to hear about your family.\u201d Say it pleasantly, so as not to suggest the need for sympathy. And repeat if necessary.<\/p>\n

Notice that what Miss Manners is recommending is the same technique they use on you \u2014 deflecting the question and turning it around. But as you have experienced, it is effective.<\/p>\n

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Once a skeptic, 49ers\u2019 McCaffrey now embraces \u2018cool experience\u2019 of Melbourne game<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Plus: What’s the right way to deflect questions about my family?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5289,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8676","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nMiss Manners: The bride is classless, and the wedding isn’t her first. Must I give a gift? - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8676\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Miss Manners: The bride is classless, and the wedding isn’t her first. 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