{"id":8548,"date":"2026-09-06T09:36:24","date_gmt":"2026-09-06T09:36:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8548"},"modified":"2026-09-06T09:36:24","modified_gmt":"2026-09-06T09:36:24","slug":"asking-eric-i-dont-like-the-plans-my-son-has-for-my-funeral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8548","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: I don’t like the plans my son has for my funeral"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric:<\/strong> Because I am getting older (80 this year), my husband and I, who have been attending funerals more frequently lately, have begun discussing our funeral\/burial wishes.<\/p>\n

Read more Bellarmine takes big step by holding off Campolindo for an impressive 17-16 victory<\/a><\/p>\n

We have shared some of these with our three sons. The oldest seems to think that the funeral is for those remaining, and I should not have much to say about it. Although I have expressed interest in being cremated, he wants me to have an open coffin and wake. He also vehemently objects to some of my chosen songs for the service because he doesn\u2019t like them. He means well, but he also wants his way.<\/p>\n

Though I know he loves me dearly, he is very stubborn.<\/p>\n

My fear is that those left behind, if I die first, will have to deal with this. I don\u2019t want alienation and discord in our close family, and the last thing I want is anger and contention at what can be a loving closure to life.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Mourning Mom<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Mom:<\/strong> While your son\u2019s actions may be coming from a place of love, they\u2019re also coming from a place of control.<\/p>\n

Now, he may be trying to control his own fears about your mortality, but \u2013 inadvertently or not \u2013 he\u2019s also disempowering you and dismissing your wishes for your own burial, which is not an act of love.<\/p>\n

You should decide which aspects of your end-of-life plans are ones you can release and which are non-negotiable. At the very least, you should have the burial plan that you want. You can do this by documenting your wishes in writing, including choosing which family member you\u2019d like to be responsible for carrying out your wishes. It may not be him.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

You can even include your wishes in an advance healthcare directive or will (with the caveat, that a will may not be accessed in time, so this would be more about making sure your wishes are recorded).<\/p>\n

Then have a discussion with all of your children about it. This doesn\u2019t avoid potential conflict, of course. But by making this a public, and group, conversation in which your wishes are clear, you can redirect some of your oldest son\u2019s pushback.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to be beholden to his wants. He is not the last word. And if he can\u2019t do this for you, in a way that respects you, you can \u2013 with love \u2013 place the responsibility elsewhere.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric<\/strong>: As she does yearly, a friend recently came to spend a couple of weeks with me in my house. She lives in another state and tries to get away from the heat.<\/p>\n

Read more Saturday Night Five: LSU\u2019s pause with pros, Boise State stands tall, Michigan\u2019s miracle and wipeouts galore<\/a><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

During the daylight hours when she is with me and we have no guests, my friend is on her iPad all day and evening. It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone who never makes eye contact with me but is focused on her iPad.<\/p>\n

If I ask her a question or try to interject a topic I would like to discuss with her, she answers briefly and goes right back to her iPad.<\/p>\n

My friend is a very intelligent person with interesting ideas, and we can have great discussions when we are out with friends, and no one has a device.<\/p>\n

How can I gently ask her to spend more time with me without the iPad? Frankly, I feel disrespected and think her behavior is very rude, although I don\u2019t think she sees it that way. I\u2019m at the point where I would like her not to come back if all she can do is interact with her iPad and not me. Suggestions?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Screened Friend<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Friend:<\/strong> It may be that your friend is comfortable enough in your home that she treats it as her home in a way. She may have forgotten that she\u2019s a guest and may feel at ease enough to scroll away the day, just as she would if she were in her own place.<\/p>\n

On one hand, this isn\u2019t terrible; it means you\u2019re close enough that she doesn\u2019t feel the need to put on a show. This also means that you\u2019re likely close enough for you to talk to her about how you hope your visits will go and ask her to engage with you more.<\/p>\n

Try to lead with a vision of how you\u2019d like things to be. \u201cI really enjoy your company and when you visit, I look forward to talking with you and spending quality time. It\u2019s hard to do it when you\u2019re on your iPad. Next time you come, can we try to connect more?\u201d<\/p>\n

She may not know that this is what you want. So, by making this offer to you, you side-step chastising her and instead give feedback that can help you both to have better visits in the future.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: The bride\u2019s request put me in an uncomfortable position<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

He’s very stubborn, and I’m afraid this will sow discord in our family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8548","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: I don’t like the plans my son has for my funeral - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8548\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: I don’t like the plans my son has for my funeral - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"He's very stubborn, and I'm afraid this will sow discord in our family.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8548\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-09-06T09:36:24+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: I don’t like the plans my son has for my funeral\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-09-06T09:36:24+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548\"},\"wordCount\":911,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/389182809338810e47ff648c644f685f.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=8548\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: I don’t like the plans my son has for my funeral - 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