{"id":8456,"date":"2026-09-05T09:35:47","date_gmt":"2026-09-05T09:35:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8456"},"modified":"2026-09-05T09:35:47","modified_gmt":"2026-09-05T09:35:47","slug":"asking-eric-i-was-afraid-this-family-in-ikea-would-overhear-and-get-the-wrong-idea","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=8456","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: I was afraid this family in IKEA would overhear and get the wrong idea"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric<\/strong>: My kids, ages 15, 18 and 23, were having a discussion about post-World War II racial discrimination while we were having dinner in an IKEA cafeteria. There was a Black family sitting directly behind us.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t trust my fiancee, but this feels manipulative<\/a><\/p>\n

I was concerned about my kids saying the words \u201cBlack people,\u201d because I was afraid that the family might overhear the term out of context and get the wrong idea.<\/p>\n

It got me thinking about how our conversation might induce fear, anger or hurt unintentionally. When I brought it up to my kids later on, they felt that because they weren\u2019t saying anything derogatory that there was nothing wrong with it.<\/p>\n

I disagreed and offered that there might be a better choice of words, like \u201cBlack Americans\u201d or \u201cpeople who are Black.\u201d I felt that more formal wording might reassure the accidental overhearer that their race was not being referenced as the butt of a joke.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think there is anything inherently wrong with saying \u201cBlack people,\u201d my objections were only circumstantial. My kids contend that this is due to my age. I\u2019m 46, grew up in the \u201980s and \u201990s; my kids say things are different now.<\/p>\n

They don\u2019t think they should have to censor their conversation, because their intentions are good and their support lies with Black people, not against them. I don\u2019t feel that my childhood was much different than theirs. In a lot of ways, I think racial issues have gotten worse since I was in high school.<\/p>\n

I aim to be empathetic, curious and open to learning and correction in matters of race. I would appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience, and the experience of your readers.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Careful Conversation<\/em><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Dear Conversation<\/strong>: What\u2019s great about this issue is that everyone has the best intentions.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t speak for this other family, but it seems there\u2019s largely a semantic difference between the phrasing your children were using and the ones you suggested. The most important thing is context. So, if the family overheard a phrase that caused a question, they could either ignore it and move on, or they could listen to gather more context. The context you described seems fairly benign.<\/p>\n

Being aware of one\u2019s context is important; it\u2019s always kind to be mindful of how your words, tones or actions might come across to someone who doesn\u2019t know your intentions. But it\u2019s also important to trust that these other people had the power and autonomy to engage or not engage in whatever way they saw fit.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: I tried to educate these dog walkers and they snubbed me<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Eric<\/strong>: I am flummoxed. I am not understanding the absence of mannerly behavior in the generations past my own (I am a boomer, perish the thought).<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

In the past year I have: hosted a shower for two professional people I know who were getting married; hosted the best woman and her partner at said wedding; hosted a friend and her partner at a private party at a private club; sent a baby gift to children of a close friend; participated in a master\u2019s graduation celebration with a substantial monetary gift to the graduate; and at the request of a friend invited her and her partner to a dinner at my private club from which they backed out at the final moment citing a birthday party for a good friend.<\/p>\n

My beef? Not one of these people has yet to thank me for my efforts. Not the couple who were the focus of the shower, not their attendant who stayed at my home, not the bridal couple whose wedding I supported personally and financially, not my nephew who received my congratulations, wines and money for his masters\u2019 degree, and not the friend who bailed on a special dinner at the last moment.<\/p>\n

These are all nice people, people I enjoy and admire, but what is wrong with them that they only receive things and can\u2019t be bothered to acknowledge gifts of support, time, experiences and life moments?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Unthanked<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Unthanked<\/strong>: Simply put \u2013 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with them. It\u2019s been said before in this column and I\u2019ll say it until I\u2019m blue in the face: expressing thanks is not a lost art. We don\u2019t have to decipher hieroglyphics to learn how to write a thank-you note.<\/p>\n

Things come up, obviously. People forget. It happens. But you don\u2019t have to grin and bear it, especially when you\u2019ve gone out of your way so often and received no acknowledgment.<\/p>\n

So, tell them. \u201cI was happy to give of my time or my resources, and I didn\u2019t do it for recognition, but I was disappointed that I didn\u2019t hear from you.\u201d Each of these is a unique case, so the reasons or response will be different. But hopefully they are all polite enough to acknowledge your feelings and make it right.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: This persistent stranger seems to think I\u2019m somebody else<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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