{"id":6846,"date":"2026-08-15T09:36:20","date_gmt":"2026-08-15T09:36:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6846"},"modified":"2026-08-15T09:36:20","modified_gmt":"2026-08-15T09:36:20","slug":"asking-eric-i-believed-a-bad-background-check-about-this-man-did-i-ruin-any-chance-at-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6846","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: I believed a bad background check about this man. Did I ruin any chance at love?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric:<\/strong> I recently connected with my first love. We live a long distance from each other. He has been divorced for 20 years.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: I got scolded for what I said to the bigwig in my store<\/a><\/p>\n

I told him I love him. The relationship was passionate. I was scared of all the feelings I have for him. He was smitten with me after all these years. I don\u2019t trust easily and started overthinking.<\/p>\n

I did a background check, and it said he was married. I sent it to him, thinking he was lying to me. Later I found out he is divorced.<\/p>\n

I could have handled it better, asking directly instead of doing what I did. I have apologized profusely. He has not responded to any call or text. Did I nuke it?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Lost Love<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Love:<\/strong> Even though he was your first love, this iteration of your relationship was new and still becoming, so an accusation like this early on can have a big impact. Think of your relationship as a sapling rather than a decades-old tree.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t to say that the sapling is permanently uprooted. I can\u2019t know that; only you and he can. But, for the moment, you might consider taking his silence as a boundary and giving him space.<\/p>\n

It may be helpful for you to look inward and process some of the struggles you\u2019ve had with trust. Ask yourself what about your past or this person prompted you to believe he was lying to you.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

You may find that you have other reasons for being distrustful or you may find that you have some things that you can work on to better set yourself up for future relationships. Be gentle and kind with yourself.<\/p>\n

The intensity of this reunion may have brought up some things you want or need to process. Your feelings are not failures, but they might be clues that point you to areas of your life that need some care.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> My husband of more than 40 years left a note for me to come home to and was gone.<\/p>\n

It came as a huge surprise as every day he told me he loved me, up to the day before he left.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Our then-25-year-old son, too, was blindsided.<\/p>\n

My husband ran to a recently widowed \u201cfriend.\u201d It\u2019s been five years. I have never heard from him again, except when he answered a text to help with a home question.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: It really is my name, but they claim not to believe me<\/a><\/p>\n

I still love my husband and knew he was a weak person when we were courting; he does not like confrontation and is easily led. I am the stronger partner and deal with things.<\/p>\n

I continue to speak highly and well about him, especially to our son. I figure why disparage my son\u2019s father in his eyes? I would not like to hear ill of my parents.<\/p>\n

Yet, my husband was not perfect and because he was the one who fled I feel I\u2019m looked upon as the bad apple because why did he feel he had to go?<\/p>\n

So, do I share with our son the little things his father was \u201cguilty\u201d of all these years or take the high road and continue to be seen as the reason our marriage ended? Because I am strong, I always feel people think I can absorb any barbs. Not true!<\/p>\n

\u2013 Spousal Report<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Spousal:<\/strong> You deserve to be heard. Your son may not be the audience for all the things you want to say, but you don\u2019t need to sugarcoat the truth to him. Indeed, he\u2019s already seen and been blindsided by your husband\u2019s actions, so he\u2019s not under the impression that your husband was blameless.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m so sorry you experienced this. Your husband\u2019s abandonment was surely jarring, painful and confusing.<\/p>\n

You can be honest with your son about how you\u2019re navigating this dramatic change and ask him how he\u2019s feeling. You can even ask your son what information he\u2019s comfortable hearing about his father from you.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, people who are seen as strong often need to be a little more proactive about asking for help, support, or just a listening ear. Don\u2019t be afraid to be honest with friends or relatives about what you need or where you are emotionally.<\/p>\n

By talking about it, you will probably find that few, if any, folks are thinking that you\u2019re the bad apple. And if anyone does think that your husband was perfect, that may not be someone about whom you need to give much thought or to whom you need to listen.<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t have one already, it will be helpful to talk with a therapist about what you\u2019ve experienced and what you\u2019re feeling. As I wrote at the start, you deserve to be heard, and working with someone who is 100 percent there to listen to you and help you process can work wonders.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: My husband has become a grandpa, and I want him back<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

He hasn’t talked to me since I accused him of being married.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6846","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: I believed a bad background check about this man. Did I ruin any chance at love? - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6846\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: I believed a bad background check about this man. 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