{"id":663,"date":"2026-05-28T09:36:53","date_gmt":"2026-05-28T09:36:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=663"},"modified":"2026-05-28T09:36:53","modified_gmt":"2026-05-28T09:36:53","slug":"asking-eric-why-dont-these-people-in-lopsided-friendships-just-take-the-hint","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=663","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: Why don’t these people in lopsided friendships just take the hint?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric:<\/strong> You\u2019ve received numerous letters from those who say their gestures of friendship are not reciprocated.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: I just found out what happened to our savings account<\/a><\/p>\n

Some friendships \u2014 like the example by \u201cUncelebrated,\u201d whose friends didn\u2019t recognize or celebrate a cancer battle \u2014 have spanned weeks, months or even years of a seemingly one-sided promotion of the relationship with the lopsided sacrificial investment of time and energy.<\/p>\n

It boggles my mind that I have yet to hear two possible explanations: One, \u201cintrovert\u201d versus \u201cextrovert\u201d personalities. And two, that the unresponsive \u201cfriend\u201d doesn\u2019t enjoy their company and would prefer to not meet with them.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve yet to see you or others side with the friend who wants more space or even, in some cases, apparently isn\u2019t interested in continuing the relationship. My thought is, \u201cThey can\u2019t take a hint.\u201d<\/p>\n

Your reply to \u201cUncelebrated\u201d was that maybe they can \u201cput this friendship to bed.\u201d That can be done by giving them space and allowing them to make the next move (or not) to get together. Maybe after months (or years) they will notice that it has been a while and will reach out. I think for an introvert, a year of no contact feels like only a month, but for an extrovert, it\u2019s the opposite.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Give Me Space<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Space<\/strong>: I hear your point, but there have been many letters from people who write that they want space or don\u2019t want to be in a relationship anymore. And my advice is often, if not always, \u201cSay it directly.\u201d Because a hint is not an answer.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m reminded of the gameshow \u201cPassword\u201d in which one contestant had to guess a word based on a one-word hint from the other contestant. Sometimes they got it, but many times they guessed wrong. That kind of communication breakdown is common in many relationships. We\u2019re not in each other\u2019s heads.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

So, if a person is an introvert and wants less contact, I encourage them to say that so their desire isn\u2019t misconstrued. And conversely, if we\u2019re confused about other people\u2019s actions, we should ask about them, rather than guessing at a narrative in our minds.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t to say that giving someone space isn\u2019t effective or warranted. But we get farther by telling someone, \u201cI\u2019m sensing that you need space. I\u2019m going to honor that. But let me know if I\u2019ve guessed incorrectly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> I\u2019m writing this to get your opinion about something that has been bothering me for a while but has been exacerbated by the recent illness of my mother.<\/p>\n

Although I was brought up Catholic, in my adult life I am a practicing atheist. I\u2019m not one to ever bring that up unless in a safe environment to do so, or if I know I am among folks who lean the same way.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: How can I smack down the gloating neighborhood busybody?<\/a><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

I am of the opinion that all should be allowed their own religious beliefs \u2013 however, proselytizing is and should be off limits.<\/p>\n

As an atheist, I am offended when people say they will keep my mom in their thoughts \u201cand prayers.\u201d I sound unappreciative \u2013 I\u2019m not at all and try to hint to my friends and family where I stand by replying or even stating upfront \u201cplease keep her in your thoughts\u201d or \u201cthanks for keeping her in your thoughts,\u201d hoping people will get the hint. They usually don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Is there a better way to humbly communicate how I\u2019m feeling, without sounding ungrateful?<\/p>\n

I am always careful, when the shoe is on the other foot, to say to those with sick loved ones, I will keep them \u201cin my thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n

Would those who pray appreciate me adding \u201cbut not prayers because I\u2019m not that sort?\u201d I think not, but I feel like they \u201cpush\u201d their prayers on me!<\/p>\n

\u2013 Semi-Closeted and Offended Atheist<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Atheist<\/strong>: Is it always clear to whom or what these prayers are being directed? That is to say, must it always be a prayer spoken to a god you don\u2019t believe in, or is it possible that they could also be prayers sent up to the universe or nature or something else entirely?<\/p>\n

Perhaps that difference is a cold comfort to you, but often \u201cthoughts and prayers\u201d becomes a shorthand for well wishes or condolences.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s perfectly fair for you to ask others not to pray for you. But might it be freeing to think of \u201cand prayers\u201d in the context of your mother less as proselytizing and more as friends expressing their own internal practice? Other people\u2019s prayers aren\u2019t necessarily a commentary on your beliefs. And if your mother does practice a religion, the comment may be more for her benefit.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s perfectly fine to say, \u201cI am an atheist and I don\u2019t believe in prayer, but I respect that you do and I thank you for the energy you\u2019re sending my mother\u2019s way.\u201d<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: She has a boyfriend but she\u2019s constantly clinging to my husband<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Eric Thomas: They try so hard to mold the relationship to their desires.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":94,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-663","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: Why don’t these people in lopsided friendships just take the hint? - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=663\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: Why don’t these people in lopsided friendships just take the hint? - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Eric Thomas: They try so hard to mold the relationship to their desires.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=663\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-05-28T09:36:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: Why don’t these people in lopsided friendships just take the hint?\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-05-28T09:36:53+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663\"},\"wordCount\":919,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=663\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: Why don’t these people in lopsided friendships just take the hint? 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