{"id":6506,"date":"2026-08-07T09:39:08","date_gmt":"2026-08-07T09:39:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6506"},"modified":"2026-08-07T09:39:08","modified_gmt":"2026-08-07T09:39:08","slug":"asking-eric-the-porch-ambushes-have-us-dreading-our-neighbors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6506","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: The porch ambushes have us dreading our neighbors"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric<\/strong>: My partner and I live across the street from neighbors who we like very much. We go out socially with them occasionally, perhaps once or twice per year. They are nice people.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: My brother\u2019s wife wanted to be at a hotel, so she treated my house like one<\/a><\/p>\n

They\u2019re 10 years younger than us (my partner is 71 and I\u2019m 69, and we are retired). They both work, and they have two twenty-something graduate student sons who go away to school.<\/p>\n

My partner and I are very active socially, we exercise a lot, and we travel often. Our days are busy.<\/p>\n

When we have nice weather, we enjoy carving out an hour or two away from our chores and errands to relax and enjoy our front porch, whether to read a chapter, catch up on emails or computer things, listen to headphones, read the newspaper (including \u201cAsking Eric\u201d), et cetera.<\/p>\n

The issue that we have is that if our neighbors notice that we are out on our front porch, they will often come over (either individually or together), plop themselves down, and \u2014 without asking how we are or what we\u2019ve been up to \u2014 proceed to talk about their health, their work, themselves, their sons\u2019 lives, their degree programs and their plans for the future. The list is endless. They will usually stay up to an hour.<\/p>\n

Although we like these neighbors, we feel robbed of the time that we\u2019ve been looking forward to for relaxing and enjoying what we planned to do. We do not want to alienate or anger these neighbors. We have no area behind our home in which to sit, and we do not want to remain indoors.<\/p>\n

How would you suggest that we handle the frustration and bad feelings that we have when this happens and convey to them that we like them very much but that our porch time is important to us.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Closed for Business<\/em><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Dear Business:<\/strong> Last year, a letter came in from someone who had a pool and neighbors who felt that they could come over and swim any time.<\/p>\n

One solution that came from readers of this column was to put up a flag whenever the pool was open and take it down whenever guests weren\u2019t welcome. A similar system might work for you, but it\u2019s going to take a conversation first.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s perfectly reasonable to tell your neighbors, \u201cWe enjoy your company, but we\u2019re not always fully available for conversation when we sit outside. Sometimes we sit out there to have a little quiet time. We want to let you know so that you\u2019re not offended.\u201d Then you might suggest a system like, \u201cIf the porch light is on, we\u2019ve got time, but if it\u2019s not, we\u2019d love to wave and catch up with you later.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible that this couple is looking for ways to fill their time. You aren\u2019t obligated to be that way. And if they\u2019re not asking you anything about yourselves, they may just be looking for an audience.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: Is the parent\u2019s Barbie ban appropriate?<\/a><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Communication about what works for you, and what doesn\u2019t, will help you avoid resenting them.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> My friend does not like to hear the word \u201cno.\u201d If you tell him no, you will very speedily see his true colors, which are more than ugly. When he hears the word no, he goes out of his way to make the non-consenting person pay for the falsely perceived misdeeds.<\/p>\n

I have seen with my own eyes this little tower of terror unleash his wrath upon many people. The truth is my friend has some very unsavory traits that make people want to tell him no. How can I get my friend to know that no means no?<\/p>\n

\u2013 The Little Monster Tamer<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Tamer:<\/strong> I\u2019m not certain that this is something you should do. Nor am I certain it\u2019s something you can do.<\/p>\n

Your friend\u2019s behavior sounds very troubling and it doesn\u2019t sound like this is a new trait. So, if he has lived for a prolonged period of his life refusing to acknowledge \u201cno\u201d and terrorizing those who do tell him no, it\u2019s likely he knows that this is antisocial behavior and doesn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

So, the task before you may not be teaching him how to act right but rather deciding if you want to remain friends with him at all.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t to say he\u2019s unsalvageable. We all have the capacity to change, grow and make amends to those we\u2019ve harmed. You can point out what you\u2019ve noticed to him and talk about how you feel seeing him act that way. This may have an impact on him.<\/p>\n

But you should be prepared for the possibility that he doesn\u2019t want to hear any negative information about himself and isn\u2019t open to feedback. He has to want to change and part of change is accepting that sometimes the answer is \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: Do I dare raise the subject of my boyfriend\u2019s showering?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Plus: The word “no” turns my friend into a monster.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5293,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: The porch ambushes have us dreading our neighbors - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6506\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: The porch ambushes have us dreading our neighbors - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Plus: The word "no" turns my friend into a monster.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=6506\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-08-07T09:39:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: The porch ambushes have us dreading our neighbors\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-08-07T09:39:08+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506\"},\"wordCount\":912,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/389182809338810e47ff648c644f685f.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=6506\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: The porch ambushes have us dreading our neighbors - 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