{"id":5214,"date":"2026-07-23T09:36:30","date_gmt":"2026-07-23T09:36:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=5214"},"modified":"2026-07-23T09:36:30","modified_gmt":"2026-07-23T09:36:30","slug":"asking-eric-20-minutes-is-a-big-deal-to-me-why-cant-he-see-that","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=5214","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: 20 minutes is a big deal to me. Why can’t he see that?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric:<\/strong> I am very punctual. Decades in business necessitated punctuality, and I carry being on time into my personal life. In my mind it is disrespectful to be late and waste the time of others.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: I\u2019m afraid my parents will embarrass me on prom night<\/a><\/p>\n

My partner of many years is of a different mindset. While he is punctual for work, when it comes to personal plans or engagements, he is consistently 15 to 20 minutes late. I find it disrespectful and sometimes embarrassing.<\/p>\n

We have discussed this many times and he knows it upsets me, but the tardiness is a constant.<\/p>\n

Any thoughts?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Time After Time<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Time<\/strong>: OK, I don\u2019t want this to come across the wrong way so let me start by assuring you that you\u2019re not being unreasonable and that I understand how frustrating it is to always be waiting for someone else.<\/p>\n

However, you write that you\u2019re of the mindset that lateness is disrespectful and he feels otherwise. So, is there some freedom in interpreting his actions differently?<\/p>\n

That is to say, every time he\u2019s late, you may be thinking something along the lines of \u201cThis is insulting; this is disrespectful; why would someone who cares about me treat me like this?\u201d All of that is understandable. But it\u2019s probably fair to say that he\u2019s not trying to insult you and that his lateness is not a reflection of the care he has for you, at least in his mind.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Changing the narrative around the action may take the temperature down a little bit. That doesn\u2019t mean it won\u2019t be annoying. But it may be helpful to think, \u201cThis is something my partner does; I don\u2019t like it; I wish he didn\u2019t. But he\u2019s not intentionally trying to waste my time.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is also not to say that all of this is on you. It\u2019s not. He\u2019s the late one. So, it will also be helpful to say to him, \u201cThis is an ongoing conflict between the two of us. I accept that this is the way you are; I hope you accept that this is the way I am. What can we do to solve it so that it doesn\u2019t continue to impact our relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n

One solution might be for him to set his appointments with you earlier so that he inadvertently shows up on time. He has to acknowledge that this is something that\u2019s creating an unnecessary roadblock in your relationship and that together you have the power to fix it.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric<\/strong>: I\u2019m a senior with three grown kids. After divorcing young, I rebuilt my life, earned a degree and worked hard to save for retirement.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Two of my children are independent, but my third child, with his family, still lives in my house despite many conversations and arguments about moving out.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: I\u2019m fluent in Spanish, and I\u2019m offended when people act like it\u2019s cute<\/a><\/p>\n

This prevents me from selling my home as planned, forcing me to use up my savings for my relocation to a different home.<\/p>\n

I feel manipulated and just want peace in retirement.<\/p>\n

I am considering hiring a realtor and attorney to move forward, though I am concerned this will hurt my relationship with this child. Am I wrong for prioritizing myself now?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Frustrated<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Frustrated<\/strong>: You\u2019re not wrong at all. To be frank, it\u2019s imperative that you make a change in this situation.<\/p>\n

You write that you don\u2019t want to hurt your relationship with your child, which is understandable, but it seems clear that the relationship is already hurting. You\u2019re not being respected or heard; this isn\u2019t healthy for anyone.<\/p>\n

He may not want you to sell the house for a myriad of reasons, but you are the homeowner and it\u2019s the right choice for you. He should respect that and support you in your next step, rather than arguing with you.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t write whether your child is paying into the mortgage or paying you rent, although I suspect this isn\u2019t the case since you also write that you\u2019re using up your savings. It is absolutely fair for you to say that this isn\u2019t working for you, emotionally or financially, and so you\u2019re making a change.<\/p>\n

Your child is not a minor. He can and should be responsible for providing for himself (and his family). You can help, of course, but this seems to go beyond help, especially because it\u2019s hurting you.<\/p>\n

Contact the realtor and tell your son that you\u2019ve decided to move forward. This doesn\u2019t need to be a discussion. If your child would like to purchase the home from you, that\u2019s great. But be firm about your decision to leave.<\/p>\n

You have already discussed this at length, and it doesn\u2019t seem that your child can be collaborative about this. This puts you in an impossible position. He may continue to feel angry about it, but you can\u2019t be held captive by his anger. That emotion is his responsibility, as well.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: My boyfriend just told me why he hasn\u2019t gotten a vasectomy<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Plus: I want to sell my house but my kid won’t move out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":94,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: 20 minutes is a big deal to me. Why can’t he see that? - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=5214\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: 20 minutes is a big deal to me. 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