{"id":496,"date":"2026-05-26T08:36:52","date_gmt":"2026-05-26T08:36:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=496"},"modified":"2026-05-26T08:36:52","modified_gmt":"2026-05-26T08:36:52","slug":"miss-manners-if-i-couldnt-ask-my-guests-to-pay-id-never-have-a-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=496","title":{"rendered":"Miss Manners: If I couldn’t ask my guests to pay, I’d never have a party"},"content":{"rendered":"
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DEAR MISS MANNERS:<\/strong> I acknowledge that a person should not ask guests to pay for a birthday party. However, if I had to wait until I could afford to take everyone out to dinner to invite them out for a good time, we\u2019d never go.<\/p>\n

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Dining out has become outrageously expensive. I rarely go with even just my family. Expecting one person to pay for everything just because they want to spend time out with friends is out of touch with the financial reality of most Americans \u2014 and, I\u2019m sure, the cause of much unnecessary credit card debt.<\/p>\n

I suppose I should just stay home and live an antisocial life for fear of offending someone\u2019s outdated sensibilities. Some of us have to find another way.<\/p>\n

GENTLE READER<\/strong>: But there are plenty of other ways \u2014 tea, brunch, picnics, home-cooked meals \u2026<\/p>\n

And what about your friends\u2019 budgets? If they are obliged to pay their way at expensive restaurants every time one of them has a birthday, it strikes Miss Manners that this would quickly add up to the cost of entertaining the same number of people once a year.<\/p>\n

DEAR MISS MANNERS:<\/strong> My son-in-law showed up to an event in a T-shirt that said \u201cSuits suck.\u201d This is a grown man. His wife wears a suit when required, as do other members of our family.<\/p>\n

It was really not a big deal, as it was just a casual get-together, but the shirt seemed tasteless and maybe even slightly confrontational.<\/p>\n

Should I be put off by this? Should I have said something? Where does it fit in the whole manners world?<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

GENTLE READER<\/strong>: Unfortunately, Miss Manners must inform you that the manners world does not countenance criticizing the appearance of one\u2019s guests, even if it is one\u2019s silly son-in-law. However, there is no rule prohibiting snickering in private.<\/p>\n

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DEAR MISS MANNERS<\/strong>: I agree with the principle that thank-you letters should be sent when presents are received. However, I am curious about how it applies to gifts received at the wedding celebration itself.<\/p>\n

Would you truly expect a couple to devote a portion of their honeymoon to writing notes for gifts they received the day before their departure? Would it not be acceptable \u2014 and still gracious \u2014 for them to write those particular notes immediately upon returning home?<\/p>\n

GENTLE READER:<\/strong> Granted, Miss Manners is given to scolding couples who mistakenly believe that they have a year to thank people for wedding presents. But in the cases you mention, the heat is off them while she scolds the gift givers.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Wedding presents may be sent before a wedding, or up to a year after, but they should never be brought to the wedding itself.<\/p>\n

Of course you are right that people in the act of being married cannot break off the ceremony or postpone the wedding trip in order to write letters.<\/p>\n

But subsequent excuses \u2014 that they are busy settling in, catching up from being away, and posting 10 million pictures of their wedding online \u2014 are not acceptable. If they do not get busy doing so immediately upon their return, the heat will be back on them.<\/p>\n

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.<\/em><\/p>\n

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Miss Manners: A reader declares the etiquette rule to be outdated. 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