{"id":4871,"date":"2026-07-19T10:42:53","date_gmt":"2026-07-19T10:42:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4871"},"modified":"2026-07-19T10:42:53","modified_gmt":"2026-07-19T10:42:53","slug":"asking-eric-my-ex-wife-lied-and-our-daughter-cut-me-off","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4871","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: My ex-wife lied, and our daughter cut me off"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric<\/strong>: My older daughter cut me off some years ago.<\/p>\n

When she was 3, her mother (then my wife) ran off with her dance instructor. He didn\u2019t want to have somebody else\u2019s kid, so she came back to me.<\/p>\n

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I was in the Army at the time. She came on to, and ran off with, my best friend in the Army. She left our child with me to avoid what happened with the dance instructor.<\/p>\n

So, I raised our child, until she was 17. I changed my career to take care of my kid. She did senior year of high school living with her mom, got into the university there, and, on her mom\u2019s income, graduated.<\/p>\n

She has since married, to a military guy, and has two children.<\/p>\n

Her mother filled our daughter with hate toward me, especially after her second husband dumped her. She wanted to talk to me at length after her husband left, and I just said \u201cno.\u201d I am remarried and don\u2019t want to worry my wife.<\/p>\n

Now my daughter won\u2019t talk to me, because her mother was angry.<\/p>\n

My ex-wife lied about everything involving the relationship that produced our daughter. My daughter is very precious to me. Any ideas?<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

\u2013 Father Abandoned<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Father:<\/strong> There\u2019s a lot of hurt all around here. I\u2019m sorry about it.<\/p>\n

Finding a path forward with your daughter will take some digging into the past and will also require her willingness to work on your relationship. You can\u2019t control the latter part, unfortunately, but you have options for beginning the work of the former.<\/p>\n

First, if you haven\u2019t already, talk to a therapist about what you experienced. There is pain and anger in your past, and, likely, in your present. It will be helpful to process it with a neutral party who can give you tools for releasing it, owning what parts of it are yours, and starting to separate your daughter\u2019s actions from her mother\u2019s influence.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

This last part is important because in order to build a relationship with your daughter you have to try, as best you can, to not use her as a battleground for the conflicts you\u2019ve had with her mother.<\/p>\n

The goal isn\u2019t winning her, nor is it even setting the record straight. The goal is to meet her where she is and work from there.<\/p>\n

Talking to a therapist will prepare you to reach out again. I\u2019d suggest a letter. Again, the focus shouldn\u2019t be on the past \u2013 there will be time for processing that later. Instead, you can write to express your care for her, your sadness that you\u2019re not in contact, and your desire to do what needs to be done in order to build something new together.<\/p>\n

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Dear Eric<\/strong>: We are newly pregnant with our fourth child. A month ago, my newlywed best friend told me his wife was pregnant. We were extremely excited for them; however, they lost their baby in the first trimester and are taking it hard, as any anxious and excited parent would.<\/p>\n

Having gone through the same in our first pregnancy, I remember the mixed emotions of finding out those close to us were pregnant. I sometimes am ashamed to admit my initial reactions were anger or jealousy instead of excitement for the happy parents-to-be.<\/p>\n

How do I broach this subject with my friend and let him know we are expecting while being sensitive to their experience?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Prenatal Predicament<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Prenatal:<\/strong> While the emotions your best friend will feel about your news will likely be complicated, you may be an insightful and sensitive resource for him because you\u2019ve walked the same difficult path.<\/p>\n

To that end, don\u2019t be shy about talking about the full picture when you tell him. You can say something like, \u201cWhen we lost our baby, we felt a lot of anger and jealousy about other people\u2019s pregnancies. I\u2019m not saying that you are or will, but I share that to tell you that I know our news may be complicated for you. As your friend, I want to be there for you. So, please know that it\u2019s not going to hurt or offend me if you need some space. It\u2019s also not going to detract from my experience if you need or want to talk about your own grieving.\u201d<\/p>\n

Make the words your own, of course. The most important thing you can do is remind your friend that he\u2019s not alone.<\/p>\n

Any parent who has suffered a miscarriage will know, as you do, that that painful experience doesn\u2019t just disappear. It becomes a part of you, even as other joys come into your life. That\u2019s not always obvious on the surface, of course. So, it\u2019s helpful when someone else says, \u201cI\u2019ve been there. I understand. You\u2019ll get through this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

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I raised her after her mother left us both.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":94,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4871","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: My ex-wife lied, and our daughter cut me off - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4871\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: My ex-wife lied, and our daughter cut me off - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I raised her after her mother left us both.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4871\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-07-19T10:42:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: My ex-wife lied, and our daughter cut me off\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-07-19T10:42:53+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871\"},\"wordCount\":909,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4871\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: My ex-wife lied, and our daughter cut me off - 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