{"id":4098,"date":"2026-07-09T09:37:11","date_gmt":"2026-07-09T09:37:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4098"},"modified":"2026-07-09T09:37:11","modified_gmt":"2026-07-09T09:37:11","slug":"asking-eric-hell-give-his-grandkid-10000-but-wont-use-their-new-name","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4098","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: He’ll give his grandkid $10,000 but won’t use their new name"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Eric<\/strong>: A few years ago, my 24-year-old child came out as nonbinary and chose a new name.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: I scoffed at her use of a matchmaker and now my daughter isn\u2019t speaking to me<\/a><\/p>\n

While the adjustment hasn\u2019t always been easy, most of our immediate family now use Avery\u2019s new name and pronouns. The exception is my husband\u2019s parents, especially my father-in-law, who does not accept Avery\u2019s identity and has criticized them about it in phone calls and texts. As a result, they are now estranged.<\/p>\n

Avery will turn 25 in a few weeks, and apparently my father-in-law has a tradition of giving each grandchild $10,000 on that birthday. My husband only learned about this yesterday, when his father called to discuss it. He wants the gift to be a surprise and asked us not to tell Avery ahead of time. During the same conversation, however, he insisted that he will never accept Avery\u2019s identity, though he says he hopes to repair the relationship.<\/p>\n

My husband, who has reluctantly accepted Avery\u2019s identity but still believes it may be a \u201cphase,\u201d thinks Avery should simply accept the money and move on. I plan to support whatever Avery decides, but I also wish there were some way to mend the relationship without asking Avery to ignore the hurt they\u2019ve experienced.<\/p>\n

Avery wants to return to college this fall to finish their degree. I\u2019ve already told them I can help with tuition but not living expenses, so this money would make a real difference.<\/p>\n

Should I encourage Avery to accept the gift as a loving gesture, despite the rejection that accompanies it? Or would doing so only deepen the pain and confusion for everyone involved?<\/p>\n

\u2014 Torn Between Peace and Principle<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Torn:<\/strong> It seems unlikely that, given Avery\u2019s grandfather\u2019s position, this money wouldn\u2019t come with some strings, at least emotionally. So, it\u2019s best that Avery goes into this arrangement clear-eyed.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

That isn\u2019t to say that they have to accept or agree to any strings. If their grandfather wants to repair the relationship, a check isn\u2019t going to be the thing to do it.<\/p>\n

Since they\u2019re estranged, it would be helpful to find out what your father-in-law plans to do in order to get Avery this money. If he, for instance, wants to show up unannounced, it would be helpful to encourage him to rethink it or to warn Avery.<\/p>\n

But Avery is also an adult and should be trusted to navigate complex family dynamics on their own. If they\u2019re looking for advice, you can tell them that in this case, accepting the money doesn\u2019t seem to require denying anything about themselves and, as you noted, will help them to continue to pursue their dreams.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: How risky is this wedding invitation strategy?<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Eric<\/strong>: I have a question about dividing belongings after a loved one dies.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

My mother is over 90 and failing. She will not likely live long. She has a house full of things that have huge sentimental value to my siblings.<\/p>\n

I have seven brothers and sisters who have varying relationships to my mom and me, from estranged to very close.<\/p>\n

As the executor, I am very concerned about how it will go after she passes. She has chosen one of her possessions to go to every child and grandchild, but this only puts a small dent in what she has. The emotions will be quite high.<\/p>\n

Suggestions on how to handle this? Selling everything and splitting the money does not seem like the right thing to do.<\/p>\n

\u2013 Concerned Daughter<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Daughter:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry about your mother\u2019s failing health. I\u2019m sure that negotiating her care, your feelings and the questions around the estate is complicated and difficult.<\/p>\n

If your mother is willing, ask her to invite each child to come to the house before she passes, go through the sentimental items, and make a list of what they\u2019d like. I\u2019ve seen cases in which family members will go through a home and put stickers on things to \u201cclaim\u201d them.<\/p>\n

This allows your siblings, and you, the added benefit of connecting with your mom about these items before she\u2019s gone. It also allows you to preview any items that might be contentious. If two siblings want the same thing, you can then tell them and ask them to work it out between each other in advance. If they can\u2019t come to an agreement, perhaps you do a simple drawing to determine who takes it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s best that you communicate your plan and the reasoning behind it with everyone clearly. You may even want to send the list out to everyone in advance, so there\u2019s less possibility for confusion and recrimination. Emotions may still cause people to pull you into conflicts, but by front-loading your desire for fairness (and removing yourself from being the final word), you can add some peace and reason to a complex family dynamic.<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: What if my dad leaves on this foolish road trip without telling anyone?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Should I encourage my child to accept this gift despite the hurt they’ve experienced?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":94,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4098","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: He’ll give his grandkid $10,000 but won’t use their new name - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4098\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: He’ll give his grandkid $10,000 but won’t use their new name - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Should I encourage my child to accept this gift despite the hurt they've experienced?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=4098\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-07-09T09:37:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: He’ll give his grandkid $10,000 but won’t use their new name\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-07-09T09:37:11+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098\"},\"wordCount\":909,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=4098\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: He’ll give his grandkid $10,000 but won’t use their new name - 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