{"id":3009,"date":"2026-06-25T09:07:05","date_gmt":"2026-06-25T09:07:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=3009"},"modified":"2026-06-25T09:07:05","modified_gmt":"2026-06-25T09:07:05","slug":"harriette-cole-if-her-boyfriend-just-goes-silent-thats-a-red-flag","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=3009","title":{"rendered":"Harriette Cole: If her boyfriend just goes silent, that’s a red flag"},"content":{"rendered":"
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DEAR HARRIETTE<\/strong>: I\u2019m writing regarding \u201cDriver,\u201d the reader whose boyfriend is not speaking to her after an argument about his insisting that as the man, he should always be the one who drives.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: How can I educate this woman on appropriate gift card amounts?<\/a><\/p>\n

Your advice was excellent: They need to talk more deeply about values and roles in a relationship. But what struck me beyond his (to my mind) rigidity about roles was that his response to the disagreement was to shut down and refuse to talk to her.<\/p>\n

I think that in the heat of an argument, if one party is really conflict-averse, the best thing is to allow them to stop arguing and withdraw to sort out their thoughts and feelings to talk about later.<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t clear in her letter whether the refusal to talk was just in the moment and only about that topic, or if he was giving her the silent treatment as though in punishment for disagreeing. If it\u2019s the latter, that\u2019s a red flag for controlling behavior, and it reminds me more of a child than of a man.<\/p>\n

\u2014 Capable Woman Driver<\/em><\/p>\n

DEAR CAPABLE WOMAN DRIVER<\/strong>: Thanks for your vote of confidence. I agree that if one\u2019s partner is controlling in an irrational sort of way, that\u2019s a red flag. Time to walk toward the exit sign.<\/p>\n

DEAR HARRIETTE<\/strong>: I have been friends with someone for close to 10 years now. Over that time, we have seen each other through many transitions and changes.<\/p>\n

As we move into young adulthood, we are facing a lot of unexpected challenges that are getting harder to solve. My friend has started using drugs that are getting increasingly stronger. I am not sure why.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

As of right now, I have seen her use them in party settings only, and I am not sure how it started.<\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: My vampire co-worker sucks the life out of me<\/a><\/p>\n

My other friends have alerted me to the issue and asked me whether I have spoken to her about it yet. Honestly, I did not know if it was my place, and I\u2019m not sure how to approach that conversation.<\/p>\n

What advice do you have for opening that dialogue?<\/p>\n

\u2014 Friends<\/em><\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

DEAR FRIENDS:<\/strong> A tricky part about talking to drug users is that their knee-jerk reaction is to deny that they are doing anything wrong or that it is a problem. Know that going in, but speak to her anyway.<\/p>\n

Do your best to pick a time of day when your friend is likely sober and alert. Invite her to meet so you can talk in person, and then go for it. Tell her that you are concerned about her.<\/p>\n

If you have ever done drugs together, you can start with that commonality, and continue that you understand she\u2019s been doing other drugs and that her usage has escalated. Express your worry that it could hurt her. Ask what\u2019s going on with her and whether there\u2019s anything you can do to help.<\/p>\n

Chances are, she will deflect. Reinforce that you love her and want only the best for her. Tell her that if she needs you or wants to talk, you are there for her always.<\/p>\n

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c\/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Man killed in shooting near Oakland\u2019s Uptown District<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Harriette Cole: A reader writes about the dispute over who drives. Plus: They ask if I’ve talked to my friend about her drug use. 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