{"id":172,"date":"2026-05-22T09:36:55","date_gmt":"2026-05-22T09:36:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172"},"modified":"2026-05-22T09:36:55","modified_gmt":"2026-05-22T09:36:55","slug":"asking-eric-i-tried-to-set-boundaries-with-the-neighbors-and-now-things-are-awkward","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n

Dear Eric<\/strong>: I have lived in the same apartment complex for about 10 years. Years ago, the elderly couple next door started to leave me gift bags of items such as tea towels and candy bars.<\/p>\n

Read more Harriette Cole: My mom has her own story about why I\u2019m teased at school<\/a><\/p>\n

At first, it felt sweet, but it has become burdensome. They acknowledge every holiday, including Mother\u2019s Day (I am not a mother). I have always reciprocated by giving them back their own bags with token gifts.<\/p>\n

Last year, the husband made some curmudgeonly remarks about us outdoing one another and only gifting because \u201cwe have to.\u201d There seemed to be a serious disconnect with at least two of the three gifting parties.<\/p>\n

This year, I answered their Valentine\u2019s gift with a gift back and a nicely worded request to reduce the frequency of our gift exchanges to just birthdays and Christmas going forward. I thanked them profusely for their generosity and cited several reasons, most of all my tighter finances and lack of storage space.<\/p>\n

Upon seeing the wife the week after St. Patrick\u2019s Day, I was stunned to hear her tell me how much she missed the gift bag from me, and that she kept waiting for it outside her door, but it never came. Her demeanor was heartbroken. When I reminded her about both of us scaling back, she added, \u201cIt was never about the money.\u201d<\/p>\n

I am at a loss. On one hand, I am proud that I drew a boundary around something draining for me, but I also found her remarks deeply perplexing and felt some shame. Was I wrong to ever broach this issue with them?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Gift-Giver Seeking Time Off<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Gift-Giver:<\/strong> You did the right thing. The gifting tradition didn\u2019t have the intended impact anymore and so it was going to cause resentment if you\u2019d continued without saying something. It seems that it already caused resentment for the husband, but that\u2019s his responsibility to deal with.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

I empathize with the wife; it\u2019s clear she saw the gift-giving as a way to express mutual care and affection. But it\u2019s important for her to hear what you\u2019re saying and right now I\u2019m not sure that she is.<\/p>\n

If you want to circle back to this \u2013 and I\u2019m not saying you must \u2013 you might tell her that you\u2019re concerned she felt sad about the St. Patrick\u2019s Day gift and you want to work together to think of another way to express care for each other.<\/p>\n

While she may be most comfortable showing her love through gifts, there\u2019s freedom for both of you in redefining what a gift is. A simple gesture like a Post-It that reads \u201cHappy [Insert Holiday]\u201d can come to mean just as much in the right context. It\u2019s all about getting on the same page about how you\u2019re communicating with each other.<\/p>\n

Read more Miss Manners: I married a man who rode a tricycle 1,500 miles to meet me. People seem confused.<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> My mother is 98. She lives independently in a condo and is mentally fully functioning, but can\u2019t cook or do housekeeping anymore.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

My sister and I take turns making her something warm to eat, and my sister also does some light housekeeping. This takes one to two hours each day. My sister does this while her husband is at dialysis three times a week at a facility five minutes from my mother\u2019s. He needs 24\/7 care.<\/p>\n

I am currently in fairly good health but have some medical issues that may eventually make it difficult\/impossible to travel. This fall I would like to go to Europe for three weeks.<\/p>\n

I would like to have someone come to my mother\u2019s place three times a week while I am gone to take over my tasks. I would have this person come in ahead of time so that my mother could get to know them and I could show them what needs to be done.<\/p>\n

My mother does not want anyone other than my sister and me to care for her. I don\u2019t want to ask my sister to take on more work, as her plate is already more than full.<\/p>\n

Is it unreasonable of me to expect my mother to accept outside help?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Perplexed in PA<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Perplexed<\/strong>: It\u2019s not unreasonable. Nevertheless, it may still be hard for your mother to accept. This is a system in which everyone is trying their best, but everyone is also being pushed to their limits. So, some flexibility is required.<\/p>\n

Have a conversation as a family \u2013 you, your mother, and your sister \u2013 about the competing wants here. It may be helpful for her to hear this plan less as an ultimatum than as a problem to be solved together. Perhaps there is a family friend who can take your place while you\u2019re gone, rather than relying on a stranger. Or perhaps there can be a mix.<\/p>\n

Be clear with your mother about what you can and can\u2019t do and ask her, given this reality, what are some solutions she could live with?<\/p>\n

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more Dear Abby: I have a feeling her parents will object to the age difference<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Eric Thomas: Her comment about the missed holiday caused me shame.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":94,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-172","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nAsking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Eric Thomas: Her comment about the missed holiday caused me shame.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Next City Digest\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"629\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/webp\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"headline\":\"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172\"},\"wordCount\":931,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Advice\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172\",\"name\":\"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp\",\"width\":1024,\"height\":629},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?p=172#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/\",\"name\":\"Next City Digest\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b\",\"name\":\"admin\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"admin\"},\"sameAs\":[\"http:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/nextcitydigest.com\\\/?author=1\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest","og_description":"Eric Thomas: Her comment about the missed holiday caused me shame.","og_url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172","og_site_name":"Next City Digest","article_published_time":"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1024,"height":629,"url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp","type":"image\/webp"}],"author":"admin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"admin","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172"},"author":{"name":"admin","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/#\/schema\/person\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b"},"headline":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward","datePublished":"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172"},"wordCount":931,"commentCount":0,"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp","articleSection":["Advice"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172","url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172","name":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward - Next City Digest","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp","datePublished":"2026-05-22T09:36:55+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/#\/schema\/person\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp","contentUrl":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/348037f2d10eefdb0c5700288103d0d5.webp","width":1024,"height":629},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?p=172#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Asking Eric: I tried to set boundaries with the neighbors, and now things are awkward"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/","name":"Next City Digest","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/#\/schema\/person\/13065d40d633843429ac57d4e5c06f9b","name":"admin","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"admin"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/nextcitydigest.com"],"url":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/?author=1"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/172","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=172"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/172\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/94"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=172"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=172"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nextcitydigest.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=172"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}