Asking Eric: I’m worried about the change in my husband’s workplace parties

Dear Eric: I have a question about social etiquette for how to handle the parties for my husband’s workplace.

We have been together for 20 years, and his colleagues are very aware of my shellfish allergy (which has become life-threatening). This became common knowledge the first time we were out together, due to a simple mistake of cross-contamination in the kitchen. Thank goodness, it was a mild reaction (lips/tongue swelling), but it was still quite scary and embarrassing for me.

For years, the owner of the small company and his wife (who also works there) made sure to keep shellfish off the menu. However, in the last three years, this has changed, and I’m seriously uncomfortable with this new situation.

Unfortunately, my husband is management, and his boss doesn’t like it when people don’t show up to his parties (he has been known to have drunken rants, a bad attitude, etc.). Neither of us wants to deal with this.

Yet, we don’t drink alcohol, and neither of us can eat anything, so I sit there feeling awkward, especially when I’m being pushed to eat/drink. I don’t want to be rude, but I am not about to go into anaphylactic shock just to make him or anyone else happy.

Please help me before the next party.

– No Party For Me

Dear Party: It’s a little odd that the owner and his wife would suddenly stop being conscientious of your allergy. There could be a number of reasons for this, so it may be useful for you to ask them about it. Alternatively, your husband might bring it up, as he’s the person with whom they interact on a regular basis.

It’s a simple request and surely, as the hosts, they’ll understand the usefulness of making sure that everyone is able to enjoy the parties without fearing a medical emergency.

It’s also possible that someone else has taken over party-planning duties. If you have a conversation with the owner, it’s likely that this will come up and you can reach out to the new party planner with your concerns.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have had many wonderful trips with my parents over the years. We have always invited them on our family vacations with the kids and had a generally wonderful time.

They are both in their 80s. I’m grateful that they are still a big part of our lives and are both able to travel, but we have noticed significant changes in their behavior and mobility on the last couple of trips: hyper-focusing on money even though they are well-to-do, and insisting they are fine to walk despite suggestions of taking Uber/Lyft or public transportation, making things uncomfortable for everyone.

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to not be able to do the things you’re used to doing, so I thought perhaps the solution was to plan “parent-friendly” trips with them that take into account their slower pace. (They’re not aware these trips are any different than our usual trips.)

But they still make comments about joining us on everything. My husband and I love to walk cities and routinely walk 10 to 12 miles a day on trips, and this is definitely not an option for my parents anymore.

I am ready to have trips with just my husband and our adult kids, but I dread the uncomfortable conversations that are to come. Any suggestions on how to make this easier for them and me?

– Trying Hard to be a Good Daughter

Dear Daughter: The impulse to create “parent-friendly” trips is a kind one. And though it makes sense that you might not want to let them know you’re trying to plan around their changes in ability, talking openly about it and inviting them to be part of the planning itself might be a helpful next step.

As you plan your next trip, you may want to talk with your parents about your desire to do a day or two of 10- to 12-mile walks and suggest that they, and perhaps other members of the family, come up with a plan for those days that makes them happy and meets them where they are. This could mean they’d join you for part of the day and then linger at a museum or a park. Or it could mean they do their own thing and then meet up with you for dinner.

The hope is to empower everyone to have the vacation they want. It’s totally fine for part of the group to split off for part of the time. And it makes it easier to do so if everyone is on the same page. This way, you’re not having a conversation about limitations; you’re having a conversation about what’s possible and dreaming together.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.